Problem Solving is Really Solving Problems!

In our house we have an extraordinarily stubborn child. In fact, a friend who instructs parents locally in a particular program, remarked that he's much more persistent than most kids she sees. I had to laugh because anyone who lived in this house, or even the neighborhood, knows that simple fact.

As a result, we've spent a lot of time looking for ideas to help us teach our son in a positive way. We've discovered quite a few, and have used nearly all of them. So while I was reading a book about helping teens step into adulthood, I found myself surprised that one of our 'tips' was staring me in the face.

We've spent a lot of time helping our teenagers know how to problem-solve in various ways, and I realized we hadn't been using it with our youngest. So it began with some explanations before story-time.

1. We explained to our son what problem solving is, and how it can help us all find ways to work out problems.

2. We taught him the steps.
Step 1: Say what's wrong without blaming anyone.
(Instead of, “He won’t let me play basketball", we say “There is only one
ball and we both want to play with it.)
Step 2: Brainstorm. Find a way to work things out.
Step 3: talk about what's good and bad about each solution.
Step 4: Pick a solution that everyone can agree to (and hopefully be happy about.
Step 5: Try the 'new plan'. If it works, everyone is happy. If it doesn't work,
pick another idea to be the plan.

3. We remind him that he wanted to work things out without tantrums, so we can try problem solving so we can all be happy.

And now he's a problem-solving kid. He spends A LOT of time talking about how to solve problems. Even problems we didn't expect. For example, while I'm finishing this article, he has to wait for his computer time. He started problem solving (out loud) and reasoning. First he wanted the computer time to be his now. When I said I was working and wouldn't be done for 20 minutes, he stopped himself getting upset, and he reminded himself to problem solve. His solution was to distract himself by emptying the paper garbage from the library, and then wait until I told him it was finally his turn. (His words, not mine)

I am impressed. I wasn't thinking of using problem-solving skills as intricate as these because he's 4. But I'm glad I did. Things are becoming much easier for him (in managing his emotions) and us (no arguments and less tantrums).

My lesson for this week is "Give problem-solving a try!" And if that doesn't work, try something else. You never know what's going to work with kids: they're wired differently, and each is an individual. As they grow and change, it's our job to help them have the skills to survive and feel good about themselves.

Be well and enjoy your children!

Kim